contemporary traditions

it's been a while eh..

2006-11-25T05:13:00.000-08:00

It's been so long, and without reviewing, i cannot remember when i last blogged, what i last blogged about, and even what i used to blog about. so long aye.

since then, i've had a very tiring life. running all over the place, physically, and emotionally. family's grown closer with exceptions, friends have grown further, acquaintances grown closer and eley further too. just become more and more of a "teacher eleanor". not that it is bad as well i guess, but my work, has really been eating up all the rest that used to define me. yet, being at my job is what gives me my sense of presence and satisfaction, and source of income as well. not too sure where i'm heading, but everyone says, it takes a while to get used to your job, and your new life.

i want more time, more time with Him, more time with my Mum, more time with my friends, more time with my special someone. i miss my uk darling, my block head friend (mayn), my jc buddies, my pri sch side kicks and all the places i've been to before.

yuyan showed me an article the other day about respect. and truly, it's about respect for another person simply for who that person is. not about whether there is something to be admired. it's about permanent hope, undying trust for betterment and continued forgiveness. and may we admit it or not, subconcious or well aware, unconditional love.

my bb rocks, or in his words, roxx. together because we are. so there. love.

Dived in.. same same, but different.

2006-08-22T03:16:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how love can suddenly appear, suddenly disappear, and then before you even realise it appeared, you're in it. I cannot explain, cannot please everyone, but i try, especially for people who matter. and i seek from you, your blessings for my happiness. love me enough, and care for me enough to want that for me, because it's what i want.

I quickly swung from one to another and perhaps it's this one that i did the best check for. it is necessary, i realised for two people in a relationship, to have the same viewpoints about the big R. that's the only way they will treat each other the same way, love each other the same way, and let's admit it, so many of us, love our partners in the way that we want to be loved. hence my conclusion.

it's 8 august of every year that's memorable. something interesting happens every year this time. be in tragedy, romance; something to celebrate or something to shed a tear about.

i'm right now, in transit, of the knowledge of what is happening, of what i'm experiencing, and my mind's almost a blank. but it's that blank, that allows for me to know because i stop thinking, because i can't anyway. can't figure out shit man. but that's when we dig into our hearts and ask ourselves if we're just happy. so am i? happiness, overwrites so many things, because happiness breeds contentment. and with that, that's nothing to question, because things can stay the way they are?

there are those i still care about, those that i haven't quite let go of, or those that i wanna ask if they are okay. there's so much going on, and i want so much more time, to spend with the people i love, i care about, i wanna know about, and those that feel the same for me. i want to know how they are getting along, and if they are not fine, i want them to know that someone cares, and perhaps that's not enough. the knowledge that someone cares is not enough, feeling loved is the one that nails it i think.

so to the friends i hold so dear, and to the people that were once special and will always be, i still care. and i always will. i give you all, much of myself. let me know how you're getting along. you have my email.

everything's happening all at the same time. work, life, love, family, and the end of hall life. lost in transit.

not quite ready yet.. or am i?

2006-07-15T13:27:00.000-07:00

There was nights when you know you are alone, but you feel that there are others around u; that's spooky.

But there are nights that you feel alone, and no knowledge otherwise would help anyway. In nights like this, you tremble with fear, because you're so afraid, so so afraid. you shake and shiver with thoughts gone wild of such emptiness. you feel so scared. because you are alone. singled out in space. u can text your friend, call a loved one, msn buddies. but no one's on the other side. communication tools are all working, but there's no one replying and answering, because there's no one there. because: YOU ARE ALONE. if you ever feel this way, don't be afraid, coz i've been there. and i'm here now. and because i exist, you can't be alone. and i hope you never get to where i got. i've only been there once. and it scares me, always, to think about it even. the thought of being alone; could this be the real greatest fear?

and perhaps, when you feel so alone, you feel like you are ready to go. i feel like i'm ready to go home to Him. but when i say it out, then suddenly, i'm not quite ready to go yet. i need just one last one. of what? that i have no answer of. but i'm at peace. i'm at peace with everyone now. i hate no one, love everyone. that's how you should go i think. perhaps because right now, there's no one person to give to, and everyone else to smile at and embrace, focus is dissipated and there's no direction. and because there's no one to love, coz i already love everyone enough, i can go.

or perhaps, there's no one person, and not being to love someone completely makes me feel dead already. not having a soulmate for a lover, is like having to balance between being alive or dead. maybe i'm feeling dead and feeling this way about love, makes me feel i'm better off dead. how dead can you be, to still be breathing? and how alive must you be, to be declared, not alive, but just not dead? but how can i be dead, when i'm struggling not to dream everynight, so that i may finally sleep. maybe that's why i'm ready to go. i'm really tired and i'm ready to sleep now. i don't wanna sleep, but i'm not sure what i'm staying up for. i want to sleep, without a dream tonight. i don't even want a good dream. i just wanna sleep. maybe i'm staying up so that i can become so tired, so i can sleep without dreaming.

do you even understand what i'm saying? which is the greater torture, to be breathing, but dead? or to just go home? i wanna go home.

The human touch - a dedication

2006-07-04T12:11:00.000-07:00

I think it's beautiful, when couples share an ice cream, bite off a cone and laugh together about the silly-ness of not getting one each when hey, how much does it cost man? There is something intimate about sharing ice cream, definitely. This something, makes me usually only share my ice cream with my girl pals, and guy pals i treat like girls, or even when it's just another guy, it's just to try a new flavour. but to WANT to finish an entire ice cream (cone especially coz you eat your way down the cone) with him, it speaks of something that old couples know but don't talk about, and newbies, something that sometimes they'd try to deny. everyone likes ice cream, but i think lovers love icecream. so ice cream loves lovers, and ice cream -> love -> lovers. There is such a clear and direct relationship between them, can't you see it?

to the men out there, share your ice cream with ur girls. it works wonders for them. but don't try it when u're not sure about how they feel. regardless. ice cream is the best indicator if you ask me.

This thing about public display of affection. I've seen it all over europe, and coming back to singapore where it's absent again. What's wrong with ownership? there is of coz a difference between groping your partner in public, and affection. the way i see it, holding hands is a must, whispers into each others' ears is sweet, and pecks are always cool. and i wished people would start fulfiling the pre-requisites. u know how some people held hands coz it's the normal thing to do, or it's what being a couple means, or coz they have gotten used to doing so? that's so lame. shouldn't it be about because you want to feel this person, to be in touch, in a state of physical contact. stay focused on this, coz warming hands between ur hands is one of the most romantic acts. and moving your fingers when u hold hands, can be the sweetest act. It not only speaks of love, it rekindles old relationships. tested and proven.

i think lovers who watch videos together on a laptop before sleeping are wasting too much time, coz in the subconcious of their minds, they are doing so, just so they can cuddle together after that, in the same state of mental health. they should just get the cuddling sooner. so maybe boring shows are cool, coz u get to bed earlier and it makes cuddling more exciting.

"the look of love" is when u are on a bus, lying on the shoulder of your loved one, and whispering to him inbetween interrupted sleep. "the look of love" is when u look into another's and think " i love you" or " i could love you". Look more, observe what's around you. You may meet secret agents u never knew, and messages u never expected. the intensity : unmistakable

The world is a stage of secrets. Love is one thing, we all wanna embrace, yet deny. Hurt is something we all avoid, but it is what makes us real. memories, they are the freakin coolest dudes around coz they can be anything, any time, anyday. let go, fall, u never know what you'll learn. like john says, live life for the moment, you never know when it ends.

- the luv-sutra, from the europe tour-

to soak in the european atmosphere

2006-05-26T12:18:00.000-07:00

and so, my bag's almost packed and i'll be going to europe soon. i intending to see many churches, drink lots of coffee and hopefully find some post offices that i can send some postcards. i hope this trip will be fun. i hope i take lots of pictures. and i hope my plane doesn't crash. cool and scary all at the same time. this could rock. see you all 39 days later.

home

2006-05-11T04:00:00.000-07:00

And so, i've packed out of hall, unpacked into home, and still unpacking, and it doesn't seem to end. lotsa new furniture to get, for storage spaces of everything that accumulated over the last 3 years, but can't seem to find the space for them in the tiny room of mine.

my room faces the carpark, with the top storey of the carpark marking the end of the skyline. i comfort myself with it's alikeness to my not so complete PSA view because of the neighbouring trees and houses and all. It's home sweet home permanently, but not quite sweet after all. i miss my true home, where i can completely be myself, lie around in the sluggish-est of all positions, watch my almost non-functional tv set, and blast music from my not-so-pro computer speakers.

everything's in a mess: my room, my europe trip, my career (or lack thereof). at this juncture, i would like to take a moment to appreciate my friends, true friends. coz without being able to see some of them everyday now, makes me feel kinda... empty? i think i have taken them for granted, the convenience of staircases or the lobby, compared to the distance now.

miss the whole squirmy bunch; fangx, jan, maomao, rooftop gang, a510, the one who doesn't one to be called blockhead on her resume, danSHers..

i wonder if i should buy a truck and get a new license.

A day at Holland village starbucks with shearites

2006-04-20T10:02:00.000-07:00

Fangxi has yet written her ode to starbucks today. But she has proclaimed her defiance to writing. Den again, not so defiant, coz she’s after all the diva.

Hansen and Don are just typical males, driven by the only substance that rules their minds and their world: testosterone. Ogling at girls that come into the room at the immediate appearances, and predictably, Caucasian babes get the most attention. I’m waiting to see Bona’s turn at it, or will it not happen coz fangxi’s opposite him? Then again, their relationship has always proven controversial.

And the babe leaves, Everyone notices. And everyone laughs, all except Don. There can only be one explanation: THIS IS IN HIS ROUTINE. Ha. Just like the way Mark shares his sick jokes.

I think girls, with curves, should really wear clothes that flaunt their assets. This blonde, wearing a fitting white top, pretty face, and a silver coloured heart-shaped locket that rests nicely at her cleavage: totally hot, I think. And then again, what is it with me that girls are just pretty things to look at? Is it me? Or is it the men around me? Just not worthy of attention.

Delicate: drives sadness, propelled by emotions, triggered by thoughts, thriving on memories.

And tell me, what's wrong with sitting on a beautiful bike of another shearite if you have the ownership of the bike area too? TELL ME!!!

I tried to think if i'm about to die, would i like bona, think only " oh fuck."

a treasure i hold so close, i'm aware of its passing soon. Yet all i do, is only to not treasure it, time and time again.

what if i could

2006-04-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

What if i could bring back the secrecy that my blog used to own? What if no one else knows me again? I think it could be cool.

Alike, ( you don't have to understand this. But if you do, good for you) I have lived a hall life, and realised that there's nothing much to miss about it. With every venue, it's about the people isn't it? mmm, I will freakin miss the danshers. love ya peeps, down to my nerves coz everytime spent with you guys are good times. All that was apparently through our practices and our ad-hoc projects with the python that has a hat. not forgetting so you think you can dance, evolution of giraffes and the thorough examinations of metrosexuals turning gay. Love the girls in dance ( special mention : Fangxi, you rock, and my friend has a crush on you ) and the girly guys too.

What if i could stay for one more year in "danshe"? i would stay forever. but for the hall life in exchange, i'd do dance outside instead.. with these same beloved ones.

This or the other? can't choose.

It's a proud statement to make: i'm a dansher.

persistence

2006-04-05T22:31:00.000-07:00

So much for persistence.. that wore out so quickly.

but hey, let's have another go at it. This time, persistence is to be cultivated based on the existence of nothingness.

weariness

2006-04-02T12:23:00.000-07:00

It finally dawned upon me, that i've wasted my entire year in hall when in a room, with a bunch of completely daft morons that placed their focus on the wrong things. These people are stuck in a world where they are kings of their own made kingdoms with themselves as the only citizens. but my shoutout to them is: i'm sorry but you wasted all your time just trying to go against me because really, it doesn't make the cultural scene any worse, because your opinions didn't even mean shit to us in the first place. you are insignificant to all of us because you are shallow and you really didn't know anything anyway. this is not said in spite. but you really know nothing. i think you are pathetic. but i don't pity you because you are such nothingness that doesn't warrant even my most minute bits of sympathy.

and there's so many others, that i've put my time into, and not regret a single bit. even if some don't end the way i want them to. and to some, i've cried a million tears and these are worth my tears. but these tears don't seem enough yet. i wanna give more tears, till its all out of my system. but i think it's good. really. it makes me smile after that. on to make myself a little happier, a little more complete, a little more worthy of myself. singing, dancing and music, these are things that define me for who i am. and so no, i'm not going to stop pursuing them. Those who have asked me to stop singing, don't realise that it's important to me, and don't understand that it defines me. they are almost as important as people that you can't do without, as important as a language you use to communicate. thank you to all those who tell me that you will miss my voice coz i know you care. to those who tell me that my voice has once touched you, hugs. to those that i hold dear, hey, i'm feeling scared.

I want to be the one, to engulf, to control but to be the one, to be completely manipulated. I want everything, if i can't have it, make me dumb so i don't notice that i'm actually so poor in all that i own.

like all countdowns..

2006-03-28T10:09:00.000-08:00

There are countdowns, for so many occasions, new year, christmas... and the nation celebrates with fire works.

There are also countdowns, for many concerts, " 15 days to la belle epoque", "it's our final dance performance together - dance uncensored" ... and people celebrate with suppers.

There are some other countdowns, not as happy, "his birthday is coming", "it's valentine's day", and friends and lovers celebrate with gifts and hugs.

But all countdowns have something in common: They all prove to create an opposing feeling when the countdown is over, and the day has come ( and gone?). Then people feel perturbed by their silly initial enthusiasm.

And so many things are like that. It's depressing, why people don't spent the time looking forward to it, to appreciate it more, rather than to create the anticipation to such a hype that when it's over, it's JUST OVER. disappointment almost.

was talking to del, and we talked about our passion, aca, and with much thought, and memories, i said: " it's so sad that there are so many things that don't have a second chance to them".. and that is so true it's almost heart-wrenching, almost a sensation physical, but always real.

but alike many other things, when the heart-wrench is over, things ease back to normality.

New things happening...

2006-03-06T10:05:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to feel like a student, going for classes, reading my notes, when there isn't a test. It's really pretty cool because, in my entire NUS life, it's the first time i'm doing something like this. And hey all you people, i'm proud of myself. my dear friends, be proud of me too. and p.s., yes, i promise i'll start going for my 5 day week, today's the last time ( i had a self declared free day today).

it feels great that now, SP is over. only cultural. that rocks. and i see it all falling into place. i think my chairperson rocks even more. she makes everything smooth sailing. if there's to be a best chairperson award, i'll give it to her. not because she follows protocol and everything. reason being, she has so much spontaneity, discipline, great leadership, and believes in rewarding her members, and always gives the credit to her people. I respect her actually. *salute*

europe trip... silver lining is showing.. thank you mark. really appreciate it that you are taking so much ownership in this trip. to all of my europe pals, those i'm meeting up with, or going any part of europe with.. we'll have so much fun and i'm totally looking forward. adventure coupled with great company, and moments of shared appreciation. So much to see, so much to experience..

There's something i notice about people of low self esteem: we all try to look like confident. in fact, to find someone of a crashing ego, probability of locating them is higher amongst those that you think are really confident of themselves. that is such an irony isn't it? they all know that confidence is so essential that even when u don't have it, fake it. so why don't they start seeing good of themselves and embrace, love themselves? then again, speak for myself. Perhaps it's in the very nature of them: their inconfidence makes up the rest of their character.. so maybe they should stay inconfident.

i think i'm finally really settled into singlehood. the getting used to it, but keeping the same dream, occasional spurts of hope, then curbing that, and getting used to it again.. is.. good. it's something new for me i guess. experiencing new stuff everyday.. but necessarily, i love dreaming. recently, i dreamt of a night's conversation through the night; nothing intense, just light talk, with someone not too long ago. it was plain, without interrogation, just filling in the spaces. there was thunder, lightning, and rain, and not forgetting, an orange sky. then morning crept in, and we fell asleep. i wanted to stay. but i had to wake up. but it was beautiful. really.

between sunrise and sunset..

2006-02-27T10:56:00.000-08:00

Before sunrise...

finding someone to loves the same way as you do..
to love "love" with the same intensity...

the belief that two should not exchange numbers or addresses, so as to, pick up right where we left off? do i believe in that too?

fate screws things up. wrong timing, wrong place, wrong setting?

Before sunset...

it's been so long. actually, no one has changed. disappointments one after another, only to make each other seem more important and perfect. love, to be grabbed with both hands, treasured and cherished? or only to miss out on each other time and again because you thought love wouldn't come back anymore because, everyone has moved on?

"you can never replace anyone because everyone's made up of such beautiful specifics."

is it more beautiful now, or could it have been more beautiful from then? no marriage, no henry, no sadistic journalist?

" I just wanted one more night, I just wanted one more try..."

Let me sing you a waltz for the night.

if there's anything, i'm doing the show injustice here..

wanting the easy way out

2006-02-22T09:12:00.000-08:00

you know how sometimes, a situation appears, u think, and u think how that person will think if you say wat u think, and after that, if that person says his thoughts, what u will be thinking instead? the whole chain of thinking, in perspective, over and over again.. and again (sometimes) it's totally momentum gone wrong.

i'm quiet, when i'm bored, ambivalent, or jammed up in this kind of momentum. with different people, different topics, it's a different reason. and sometimes, i get welled up in the third one pretty often. the kind of situation, where u know if u say it, u will regret it, or u will wished it didn't happen, coz u don't like the consequence. it becomes a situation, that don't add to it, at least the consequence is not that of your responsibility. but in truth, not adding to it, is a reaction. but desperation and fear of deciding the result with the contribution of your own actions, makes me shut up, keep to myself.

surge of emotions

2006-02-16T01:47:00.000-08:00

I'm not good enough for so many things, as well as that which i fear so much, i'm afraid i'm not good enough for that either.

I'm feeling alone, damn freaking alone. but i asked for it. Because i choose to turn company away.

maybe it's all worth it. maybe it's not. who cares?

the acclaimed sinner of all time now, finish up, pack up and go to europe. who cares if everyone hates me.

actually i care. but have to learn to care not.

It was valentine's day..

2006-02-14T10:17:00.000-08:00

And so, everyone's been going around to give each other flowers, for the mere sweet thought of it, or maybe just to support the SWOCs.. but it is necessary to always have faith in this world, so, valentine's day is a good day coz there are those who think on the good times shared, and take the effort to remember, not just their loved ones, but also their dear friends.

So, to all those that remembered me, from gerberas and roses, to the shoutouts of " i love you " along the corridors, thank you, and " i love ya all too " .. tis the season to use this line to spread the love...

and so, for the single ppl out there, we should all rejoice, together with those in love. because, vday is about love, amongst more than valentines..

it is also, a day, when some of us think on fond memories, moments when there are people to look forward to after a long day, to stay up for long nights with, to share a bowl of noodles with.

and on this "just another no big deal whatever" day, some others choose to show their love, by jumping on each other to startle and scare, to share an important component of love: JOY. this new hall culture, it's almost even better than ponding, if not, equivalent. meet the " Blk B Level 2 terrorists" All the screaming amidst my singing practices, is making my voice go a little. but it definitely is an activity, that seemed quite familiar...

And so, on this no big deal day,
Dear "Eh"
love you and miss ya loads. hugs and kisses. told you so too.
(not too sure if we should pretend i didn't say this though. )
Lovingly,
Me

self absorbed

2006-02-06T22:17:00.000-08:00

there are some people in this world, that are so self absorbed, that they think everyone's stalking them, or finding trouble for them, making things less pleasant for them. some others feel like they are the only ones that are busy, and that they need all the time for themselves. some thing that people never think for them, and so, they all should become protective of themselves. others just feel like they are the biggest fuck.

all these fucking fools.

reflections of a lonely spirit

2006-02-04T13:10:00.000-08:00

How could it be that nothing has changed
when distance has grown so unfathomable
and thoughts have grown so distant

How could it be that nothing has changed
when conversations have become empty
or rather, lack thereof

How could it be that nothing has changed
when familiarity has gone away
and the dead of gone friendship remains

How could it be that nothing has changed
when I don't know you anymore
and you don't know what's going on in my life either

So much has changed.

i'm a frikking idiot

2006-02-02T00:45:00.000-08:00

i was playing with the greenish looking fur ball that looks kinda alienish that's at the shrine.. which i call freak.. and it BURST! air started escaping from it like a diminishing bubble, and it died, not to be revived. it's carcass was revived. it's heart continues to beat, and it doesn't know what it's living for. lights continue to blink. i'm questioning, is it replaceable? get freak 2? let me know what you think.

low efficiency

2006-02-01T22:45:00.000-08:00

CNY is over, and not much has been done, it has gotten so routine, it's almost the season of boredom. there's nothing to look forward to during each day of the 3 days break. maybe they should make CNY just a two day holiday, the eve and the day itself, and give xmas 3 days instead. wonder if xmas will become the boring season instead then.

been lagging really badly with my school work, which is bad.. but there's so much on tv. excited. miss chocolates. but cannot eat. haha. must lose weight. ( I'm a fat bitch)

this weekend will be chingay itself. possibly most embarrassing moment. public tv and trying to be a fairy. sigh. can you beat that?

had a long talk with kevin that day. not too sure if he meant that, but i think i got the don't be so pessimistic part. ETC, gotta start planning our stuff man. chairperson, please start delegating. haha.

it really is my last semester, and i'm going to make it good. question is how. i've been virtually playing for the last 2 and a half years in NUS, and suddenly asking me to study just seems so... wrong? Inertia's huge and maybe... i'm just lazy LARH.

okay... start studying.

I think, i'm stressed. but i'm so grateful i'm busy.

2006-01-26T11:07:00.000-08:00

It's been strange, stranger
Was it poor luck, fate, or just coincidence?

it was darling's birthday. think it was fun. happy 21st. hugs.

hall's been suffocating. no time for myself. can't breathe. can't remember how breathing is like. it's been too long.

extend europe trip? 2 months? leave first week of may? how much more money?

not studying. not too sure why. but must pass everything. skip-o-meter gone wrong.

can't think. headache. scared.

maybe i'm not that grateful.

strange blue bag that seen the world.. but too strange

2006-01-26T10:59:00.000-08:00

i hope i go tonight..

2006-01-22T09:57:00.000-08:00

I hope that, secretly, I could have a good dream about europe tonight, and silently and quietly, when no one expects it, I could go, just then, right now, and never wake up. I think i'll be happy, and so will everyone. All but my mum, though she's just one person, and i hope one day, she'll join me in europe, and i'll show her around. And i can share with her, all the secrets i have, all the secrets i ever kept from her, where i can weep to her, ask for her to forgive me, give her a huge hug. And there, she will hug me back, and tell, it's alright, that everything's over, and i'm still her dearest daughter. She will tell me the secrets she never told me, she will tell me that it hurt her when she hurt me, and that now that she knows, we both just didn't know we were hurting each other, and we would never do that again. We'll live together in europe, she'll cook and boil me soup, and i'll wash the clothes and the ironing, and in afternoons we'll bake our time away, and in time, hold warm cookies in freezing winter.

The Secret About Snow

2006-01-20T04:18:00.000-08:00

"it's as light as strofoam
feels like powder
and fine sand
but it's tiny bits of cold
if you look closely, it looks like fibre
when you step through it, the top layer is nothing, like powder
but there is a crunch because of the harder snow underneath
put together, it's like white puffy layer on the floor..."

can i have some of your snow from stockholm?

i'm nothing coz i'm just mediocre, and so, i'm to be the saddest

2006-01-17T01:31:00.000-08:00

There was a revolutionary change in the room where these small fucks gather every week. finally, these people realised the meaning of their existence and they found direction. i'm happy for them. and i must say this, which is extracted from my unposted post: Abhi is the coolest coz of his constant unaffectedness.

And i think i procrastinate, and i'm not a born workaholic. i find myself wanting to relax in my room, for a breather, and hope that no one knows i'm taking a break. have so many things undone, and trying to push myself to keep moving on to get my stuff settled. jcrc stuff seems to be piling up all the time, it never seems to end. there's millions of follow up to do. emails that never seems to end. checks, and double checks of everything. questions that follow a chain of inefficient questioning and still no answers (otherwise known as administration and corporatization). i feel tired. but i also understand that it isn't the time to stop now. can't wait for things to quickly finish up, fly to europe, to just space out. and finally breathe easy. where perhaps i can ask for the comforting company of those that really matter to me.

and then, there will be graduation, handing things down, rag, orientation, career and all the others to think about. "europe : the escape" boy am i looking forward.

i believe people get misundestood so often, intentions get misread, efforts get ignored, and people are generally just nonchalant about everything. freaking tired and drained out, because i'm feeling like it never ends. 14 more weeks to departure from hall. and when i go, i go alone.

the whole world no longer hates me. because u can't hate something whose existence is not within your knowledge don't you think?

i cut my hair. i don't like it. but people says it's okay. and some say they can't tell the difference.

and all these time..

2006-01-15T09:10:00.000-08:00

Life's been kinda strange. Interaction with more than myself, and not having that one person to rely on for company is strange. not too sure if i like it, but so far, it's erm, fine i guess. there used to be my ex, then my church friends, then my best friend.... then matt. den suddenly there just isn't anyone. but it's alright, coz, well, firstly physical closeness is just one thing out of the numerous. and of coz, is there really no one?

i think i've been sinking into depression lately, and i realise that when u are not particularly close to someone, u just handle all the mood swings on ur own. haven't experienced that in a long while. so maybe it's something i really should start to learn on my own.

fangxi's cool. her hottest line for picking someone up at MOS is : "so, are you the minister?" which of coz, she didn't get to use it. and i sense effort from her towards my occasional depression (or is it actually prolonged?). and hey darling, i appreciate it.

Something cool happened today. i went to climb bukit timah hill with my mum, dad and sis. discovered that i love my mum more than sis.

even cooler, hamttam smsed me. it's probably the reason why i'm smiling today for those who saw me smile.

much cooler than that, hamttam and i communicated through the unorthodox channel called kevitty kev. Though it sucks that i somehow can't seem to ever get him online on my own instead.

It is interesting too coz suzanne said we should get to know each other. new found friend i guess. and she doesn't hate me. i'm happy about that. and so, i heard about the making of Lady Kong. Couldn't have been more perfect. love.

and so, mingding's flying off tmr. and we'll meet 5 months later. the director, chairperson and the intelligence. maybe secret agent too? pending..

mmm, life's been kind to me.. in more ways than one. i don't really enjoy feeling so much, but in doing so, i feel human, and i feel alive.

a weird dream

2006-01-11T18:44:00.000-08:00

it was strange, i was a ninja of some sort, without a lot of powers, and this group of ninjas, were trying to stage a rebellion. and the troops were coming, pushing us to the higher floors of a HDB flat. finally, we hid in a chinese family's house, on their chinese new year. so, i decided to hide on top of a cupboard. not sure why, but everyone was trying to pin my clothes tighter so i looked like a bag at the top of the cupboard. quite glad i woke up to find out the ending. but hey, i really felt a pin go into my skin then drawn out again. cool.

I think i miss him a little less today, coz it's the first night i'm not dreaming about him. but hey, is that something good or bad. but either way, it works i guess.

i just woke up, it's still drizzling outside. it's a little misty, chilly, and i've got my blankie, felicia, and big t, and i'm feeling almost wanted. it's by far, the most beautiful appreciation in many days. i think i've forgotten to appreciate more and count my blessings. i love the weather though i can't run in it. life in singapore is good. weather rocks these days. wonder what's sweden like? and burkley too.

kevin, because u say i didn't update my blog

2006-01-11T03:52:00.000-08:00

And so, kevitty kev, this is for you. haha. just the very fact that i updated my blog. details aside of coz.

And so the new semester has started, having 5 day wk, but have yet gone to any lecture or class. i'm queen, so there.

it's the time of the semester to go for exchange and everyone's on the move. these people are gloating, "have no idea what to do for the next 14 days", "my holidays just started".. and in response, i can only say " it's my last sem. so how many more do you have?"

though i must admit, they do have the last laugh. and i'm sickly jealous.

things have been different. suddenly have more time for myself. a little too much. well, was thinking about my situation, and i thought of my immediate emotion. it is Fear. i had a dream, that me, kev and dingz got to europe, prague. in a small cafe, beside a phone booth on the street ( i don't even know how prague looks like at all. this scene could very well be from the states instead ). And matt was going to meet us there. he came last, walked in through the front door and i froze in terror. he embraced kev coz he missed him, has feelings for him, and coz kev is damn king. me and matt exchanged wry smiles. then prague sucked big time.

could it be that the whole world hates me? i'm feeling alone and i think the world hates me.

New semester's coming

2006-01-03T10:06:00.000-08:00

And so, CORS is settled and over for me! my last frikking semester! YAY!

It's strange, and so, i went for supper with jasmine, ying ying, su kiang and kevin. and we bumped into people going for my blk supper. cool. the traitor admist the enemy, and caught in the act. I should have just bloody shifted since yr 1 la. but nonetheless, blk c has become my home after all. i know that coz when i came back, and when i hesitated between the blk c and blk d back gate, i still chose c. Things were different when seok and all were around, i just fitted in and loved the blk more. they interacted with me, and they were a huge part of my hall life. Although the talk of wanting to move to blk D came since yr 1, but all talk but no action did give me some good memories in blk C too. D people just seem easier to get along with LARH.

I am an impatient person. Fastie; like he always said so. I should have just stayed in my room and waited patiently. Think i would have gotten a hug and a kiss instead if i did. i miss kisses. i'm just a blardy affectionate person la. having someone to hold and to love is always a good feeling. i think. and with the new semester coming, and the revolutionary changes, i dunno if i'll like it all that much. Maybe if i pass my driving on thurs, it will give me something to rejoice about again. Moving on with my life alone for a while is good. stay focused on what i set out to do this semester: to put the past behind, and to become myself, in preparation for the future (sounds like some stupid minister's line. screw it.)

Will i sabotage the exchange program if i had a chance of doing so, without him ever finding out? i continue to ponder, and still, the answer is no. I think the experience will be valuable to him. Just like the way he misses his college, one day he'll miss sweden too. It is something worth missing. and because he is who he is, experiences get indepth spaces to grow and hinge themselves to his memory. But i'm scared. Scared because i'm going thru change that i dunno what's the outcome like. I'm scared because things may grow too far apart with the distance. I'm scared that like all men, he'll just move on too. I'm scared that he'll never be ready, but i need it. NEED. I'm scared because, what if i last time i hugged him will be the last hug, and i want to give him so much more, but i wun be given the chance to? Scared that he'll give up. Scared that when i want so much more, he's only willing to give me much lesser. And i think my subconcious is reacting to this fear. He just becomes more precious and talking and saying out all these just becomes more difficult. The thoughts choke me when he's with me. And his actions and responses just make me feel that, he doesn't know how much i feel, when i'm craving to spend all of my time with him, but he just turns me away so often.

sucks la.

01012006

2006-01-01T09:41:00.000-08:00

I'm just freaking irritated with myself. And in truth, i agree, new year's is really nothing. it really is just another day. i mean, what is there to be excited about in the new year?

Christmas is so much better. And so, i caught a xmas film on new year's eve and i think it's a hell lot better. i hope they will nv create some cheesy new year's eve film instead. it wouldn't sell. absolute flop.

It's amazing how people can change your moods 180 degrees. funny how people are much nicer when they are just missed. weird how people are get caught up in stuff they are focusing on than to really see what's going on.

My shout-out for the day: you can choose not to answer a question posted. that's privacy. snapping at people who are innocently asking, that's unfair. given entitlement when u didn't expect doesn't mean that u expect when thought u have entitlement. entitlement gets taken away from u the moment u expect anything.

Life's a fucking piece of nothing la. there's nothing to look forward to and nothing to be happy or excited about. i'm pathetic. you're worse. peeved.

The Return of the King

2005-12-30T09:21:00.000-08:00

And so the king returns, and somehow the impending journey of a longer and more ardous 'pilgrimage' seems much clearer now. And what becomes of the waiting queen, who actually isn't royalty without the king? Ceases to be queen? And when the king returns again, would friendship blossom into love, or will them both, grow to become great wizards of our time, where unlike love, friendship lasts forever?

Stay tuned to find out.

Matt came back from Phuket, and bought this cutesy bag, that has velcro on it. will attach pic soon. it kinda looks like one of those air-plane puke bags. but hey, no malice, it only makes me love it more. and it has these alien looking men on it. rox. and i'm glad emily's with him. I think he likes her to bits too. wonder who he likes more though. but actually seemed happy that he got her. i'm quite glad i bought her. emily the strange. actually, in the things i get for him, there is always the hidden message of "i hope this keeps u safe, in europe" but somehow these words don't come out, coz maybe they sound too cliche. and so, i like my aliens, and he likes his emily. I'm keeping my fingers crossed he doesn't know what's in the not so empty box of gold. but i killed the surprise myself too la. i suck.

I really feels good to have someone to hold on to, to rely on, to tell your everyday little perks to. It's important that this person cares about you, loves you, and wants to share himself with you too. The so near yet so far emotion when he's away, and the you mean the world to me must be sufficiently strong. And when these are met sufficiently, you are in a relationship with this person, regardless of whether you admit it or not. maybe all these is enough.

Yet, how do you give someone everything, i want to take it all back? How do you see someone u love so dearly, but not want to hold him and shower him with hugs and kisses? why control when letting yourself go allows for you to be true to yourself which is so frikken important? so okay, one step at a time is good. and friends work. we just dunno what comes out of that. we stick around, wait and see what happens then.

Breathe more, it helps each other relax.
Yearn more, it breaks you when it fails
Talk more, it makes breathing easier
Love more, it makes everything work.

unsettled

2005-12-28T07:57:00.000-08:00

I woke up today with body aches, coz I didn't sleep alone last nite. Fangz was with me. She's pretty when she sleeps too.

Then again, it's prolly coz of the dancing instead.

And i woke up, had lunch, and my aching body and closing eyes told me to go sleep again. and i did.

I keep having this nightmare, of the same nature. it's the 4th time within these last 3 months. i think. And i don't like it. It's because of a traumatising experience. and when i didn't feel so alone, i think it was better. It wasn't so frequent. I think i need time, to dilute all the the wrong, start doing the right. and believe and hope for what i want. and focus on them. then pray, that happens. Everything's so uncertain sometimes that, feeling nothing at all, is the easiest thing. but in doing so, those of us, who live, and have emotions, thoughts and opinions, lay dead long ago.

Kong told me a secret. It said it's up to you to trust, but when unpromised, having faith will keep you going.

eve, christmas and boxing day

2005-12-27T08:18:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve was exciting.. and unexpected. Well, it was also surprising, and rediscovering a side of myself that i haven't seen in 6 years was also rather alarming. but, i enjoyed it nonetheless. People who know my secret are few. and those who know, revel in the unorthodox nature of it, with me.

christmas itself was boring, and shocking at the end as well, with unexpected news, but er, not particularly unpleasant or pleasant, but oh well, just unsettling.

boxing day was interesting too. Never felt for certain that my parents was proud for me, but never was clearer. and it all revealed itself in a local cafe, over-priced, a.k.a. Ya Kun Kaya Toast.

Being there will my mum, dad, granny and two cousins, i felt grown up and fillial. i enjoyed myself because my mum didn't stop laughing. Thinking back on 20 dec when my church friends (vincent and I-en) came to watch me caroling and had dinner with me, and the discussion at the table: " spend time with your mum this christmas, cheer her up, and she will appreciate it. She needs it. " i felt like i'm growing up with my parents in my life, again, since the longest break at adolescence. beams.

And so, i come from a traditional conservative chinese family. and so am i happy and proud of it? should i stay to this? or break free from it, but still love them? what would i want for my family? what would i want for the person i love? and what would i want for my life, as a wife and mother? woah, thinking a little too far. actually i was just crapping. or was i not?

Tribute to Kong

2005-12-26T13:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Kong,

I love you and i appreciate that you are here. always.

I'm alone in hall right now, and you bring me a sense of familiarity.

I love your earrings. and i love the birthmarks on your feet.

I love you for loving me and for the symbolism of you.

I just love you.

Lovingly,
Eley

(would have signed off as yours, if i hadn't already done so for another. I know you don't like to share love. apologies.)

p.s. matt, kong's doing real fine. hugs.

Change is Good

2005-12-23T08:49:00.000-08:00

Honestly, is Change really always good?

Personally, at moments like this, change doesn't feel all that good man.

it's not that the world is about to end, but it's damn close.

It's been barely a day and the distance is mind blowing.

It's not that the world's about to end. but this time is just different coz sunday nite's not going to be the same.

monday's lunch and dinner will be different too. same for tues and wed.. and for the next six months.

It's the aspect that change is being effected. Change towards improvement, change to make us believe that there are things to look forward to, change to make us feel alive is good. But the change that i'm going thru now, i don't particularly like it.

but i guess, i will eventually realise its goodness.

don't ask me what it all means. i'm lazy to explain. plus, it's painful.

have a mint

2005-12-22T09:53:00.000-08:00

I just woke up from this hell of a fucked up feeling and the overwhelming question of "what the hell am i doing with my life?" just stares me blankly in the face. freaking days like these just happen la.

it was the sick feeling of being alone. i think. waking up to realise that u just freaking wasted 3 hours of your nite slping, when you could have been out with your friends, or clearing your emails. but you didn't. and on top of it, a sleepless nite ahead. and very much alone. wanting to burst out of the room, gasping for conversation. for interaction.

"MAN WAS NEVER MADE TO BE ALONE"

but when alone no more, the whole conversation with myself starts. evaluation of me, myself and i vs the rest of the consuming world. what should i be doing now instead of posing as someone playing table tennis? why am i feeling pressured playing the piano for someone that i was practicising for? why am i bothered that some freaking idiot left his milo can in the dance studio?

i'm enjoying everything else about my life i think. rather i'm restricting my life to be all about what i want it to be about now. enjoying what's within the scope of that. and neglecting lots of things. but i also know that, if i don't do it that way, i'll regret it even more.

I'm really happy with what i've got. i'm contented. blessed . happy. loved. appreciated. at peace with myself. we all treasure so much more when we know that we haven't have much time left. hanging on to the last bit of beautiful things. how things are going to change and my left hand misses the right. uncertainty. bleak? promising? whatever. but having the liberty to just enjoy everything for now. just for now. breathe for the moment. live for the moment. enjoy for the memory's vividness. memory lives forever, like pepsi.

question again if what happens in the future is important. but thinking about the future ruins the beauty for now. heed that all you young and ignorant people. luv, the wise.

elevator beat. nancy wilson. you mean the world to me.

DAMN. It's last night in hall. And i just freaking found out about it. Rushed to make the best out of the last few hours. but not having a pressure or a timeline has always been the way we did things. and truth. really too late. i've got no tricks left for now. but now, i'm happy i slept. i'm happy that tonight's going to rain. i hope tomorrow never comes.

Damn scared. Afraid to draw another breathe. Coz the next may just kill me.

And no, change is not always good. Consistency works too. I'm just boring la. but i believe some beautiful things shouldn't change. Coz the fear of what comes next is choking me.

Love, Balancing between enjoying the moment for now, and being afraid of what's ahead. Share my fear. I'm feeling alone. Hold me. A little tighter now. Kiss. And keep that last breath.

Anticipation is stronger than Possession

2005-11-28T01:41:00.000-08:00

Three days ago, many frustrated beings, keen about academic excellence, filled libraries and hostile rooms. Few words heard, but amongst the few words, most often heard : "(Blardy exams, can't wait for them to be over)"

Today, when it is four days before the end of exams, when most have finished, i hear more and more sighs of boredom.

Really, it's conflicting. But that's really what really happens all the time isn't it? Wanting possession of something so badly when you don't have it, but when having complete possession of it, one makes no constructive use of it.

And is it the same with romance? In romancing, a longing feels so much more intense than a commitment. A longing encompasses so much emotions, strong, it feels almost hard to breathe sometimes. But a commitment, it's about emotions, that sometimes pale in comparison to the state of the mind of ownership and belonging. Hence, if longing is so much more than commitment, what's the point of having commitment when you can have longing?

On the contrary, if there was a difference between longing for something and anticipation, would possession at the end of longing be more intense than longing itself? and would that intensity destroy something beautiful or make good of things?

I think between two people that feel that way about each other, when one is certain that he doesn't want commitment, it makes it so much easier for the other person to want it instead because both are aware of the beauty and craze of their fated embrace, but perhaps, both ain't ready. The other person knows it, but the former doesn't. but should he?

Control.

A Bold Step

2005-11-27T04:17:00.000-08:00

It's an interesting.. or rather odd action: I asked my brother to the movies.

The first time I ever caught a show with my big bro, it almost felt like going out with your secondary school crush that you grew out of: not overly excited nor mind-blowing coz we've all grown up, but something you will no longer begin with " what would it be like if.. ".

But there was something closer than that kind of admiration. Can't exactly pin point if it was respect or kinship, or maybe both. It's a bold step because of the way everyone in the family has always went on with our lives, very independent of each other. Yet there was always a silent support, undying, and never failing. Maybe that's what family really is.

Lots didn't need to be spelled out explicitly because we grew up together, there was no self-introduction required despite the "first date" and THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. Heart-warming. It went straight to filling each other in on each of our lives. It's totally odd, but entirely comfortable.

Struggle as to whether this should be done again, or perhaps it shouldn't, so that it will always be beautiful. but then again, maybe it should, coz it's "healthy" for the kinship?

Maybe it really is more important to stand up for what's fair to our loved one than to agree with everyone else that talks more and are second loved. Makes me understand him more again.

Talking to him made me realise i'm an adult now.

Listening to him made me see the importance of family.

Sitting beside him in the cinema made me understand that he loves me.

I love you too, bro.

My first post. ha.